How to make friends as an adult

Why it usually falls apart

As adults, the things that made friendship easy at school disappear: seeing the same people every day without planning. Now every meetup needs arranging, and one cancelled plan can end a budding friendship. A 2018 study by Jeffrey Hall estimated it takes about 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, and around 200 for a close friend. It takes repetition, and repetition is a habit.

How to make friends as an adult

1. Join something weekly

   A class, club, sports team or volunteer role. Seeing the same people every week is the fastest way to build friendships.

2. Say yes to invitations

   Accept more invitations than feels comfortable. Each one is a chance to build time with someone.

3. Be the one who invites

   Most people wait to be asked. Suggest a coffee, a walk or a drink. People are usually glad someone asked.

4. Follow up

   After meeting someone you like, message them within a few days. Suggest a specific plan.

5. Keep in touch regularly

   Message one friend a week with no ask. A link, a memory, a check-in. It keeps friendships alive.

6. Be patient

   Friendships take months to build. Keep showing up.

What to track

Track the smallest version you would still count on your worst day. A row you can clear when tired is a row you keep:

• Weekly class or club
• One invitation sent
• One friend messaged

Print a tracker with these 3 habits or open them in a spreadsheet.

Your first week

1. Day 1. Find a weekly class, club or volunteer role and sign up.
2. Day 2. Message one old friend with no ask.
3. Day 3. Say yes to the next invitation you get.
4. Day 4. Invite one person for coffee or a walk.
5. Day 5. Follow up with someone you met recently.
6. Day 6. Go to your class or club.
7. Day 7. Count the social contacts you made this week.